shut

I try to reflect as much as I can.

To my parents, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, and myself.

To see, how would this or that affect them, affect me. 

Yesterday, I drove mindlessly, anywhere the steering wheel took me.

In fact, I do that many times, countless times. 

I love the thought of being alone. 

Being able to be alone with my thoughts; it's addictive.

Once you get to know your mind, you'll never want to walk out of it.

It's you, and the universe you created.

It's you, and your thought only.

It's just super tiring to socialize and turns out it didn't work. 

All the time, all the energy, all the feelings I've involved𑁋

means nothing to them. 

That's why I reflect many times.

To convince myself, that maybe we all live on our own.

Maybe it's a fault to hang your happiness to others.

Maybe it's not them, 

it's me. 

Read More

define everything

A human mind is an endless tunnel of everything.

I love rain. 

While others, don't. They just simply don't like it, while I, simply, like it.

For me, superheroes movies are just fun to watch. The good vs the bad. Nothing more.

As for my friends, they're crazy about it. The fan theories, the comics; there's always more to it. 

The older I am, the more I realize there's always some frictions on every part of our social life. In fact, there are so many frictions. I am quite losing my grounds on the term of friendship right now. 

I don't really know, who's my closest friends?

Do you like me for just being a partner on some events or do you like me for being me?

Do you hangs out with me because you wanted to see me or just simply you want to watch the movie?

Are we even friends?

I always thought a friend is the one who you can call anytime anywhere simply because you were bored at the airport because your flight was being delayed; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who calls you right away the minute you tell them you need some ears; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who you can ask right away for a movie time whenever you were free; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who always know whether you're okay or not; even if  you're not telling them; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who can tells you everything about their problems, or simply their days; no matter how small it is. And vice versa.

But then I realize, 

there's nothing vice versa between us.

p.s: a.p𑁋this isn't for you; you're the best.

Read More

city of stars

City of stars

Are you shining just for me?

City of stars

There's so much that I can't see

Who knows?

Is this the start of something wonderful and new?

Or one more dream that I cannot make true?

***

Hey, sister. 

You always say you like this song.

I used to say nothing to your statement, but now I wonder if this song maybe means something to you.

About your dreams, your loved one, and your life.

Or maybe it's just me, ha.

You're not such a philosophic person, after all.

I just need to state that,

you'll always be my big sister.

Forever.

No matter what happens.

At any cost.

You'll always be one of my role models (top 5 indeed),

the one I share my thoughts with,

the one I share my words with.

But sometimes, you need to look around you and realize one thing.

You are never alone on any step you're taking in your life.

You can cry, you can tell anyone you trust about your problems.

Hey, 

it's okay not to be okay.

It's okay to cry sometimes;

it's not the sign of weakness,

but it's one prove that we're all human.

  xx,           

your little sister.

Read More

the way we handle our-self

I assumed I am sitting beside a lawyer. 

Yes, I am at my favorite doughnut shop in town.

He's so well-dressed, and he is typing some-things with some law and such. And yes, he's mannered.

"Maaf Mas, stop-kontaknya masih ada yang kosong?"

"Masih. Biar saya bantu, Mbak."

This is one of many things that I like when I sit alone here. 

I saw two high-schoolers so stressed out studying their brains out for the exam. And they also talking about their teacher.

"Wali kelasmu baik banget, sih?"

"Lah emang kalo kamu gimana?"

"Ya gitu, beda pokoknya!"

Hahaha. I remember those times. When I was just fooling around at school, not knowing what to do other than that. 

I also saw a woman secretly taking photos of her doughnut and her orange juice. Maybe for her Instagram stories. Hahaha. 

Paying attention to people helps me understand how this world works.

Everyone is busy minding their own business, trying to reach their goals, trying to be the best version of themselves. But do we even know what is the best version of our-self?

Lately, I've been in such a state of restless. I got mixed feelings about many things; myself, college, friendship, love. And the biggest question is,

Why am I feeling so less than enough?

Am I able to solve my own problem?

Do I need a person to lean on? To talk about my weird thought? My restless thought? Why would I need one?

Am I not being capable of handling myself?

That is the scariest question of all. 

Ngurusin diri sendiri aja engga bisa, apalagi ngurusin orang lain. 

That's what they say. 

Jadi, sudah berapa jauh kamu bisa mengatasi gejolak emosimu?

Read More

the art of letting go

Life is a lot much easier when you realize the ones who stay will stay, and the ones who leave will leave;  no matter how hard you holding them back. 

Why do we being so hard on ourselves over someone who takes us for granted? Is it worth the pain, worth the tears, worth the time? I know how hard it is to despise our thoughts from them. To not to think about them, even for a glance. 

People said the best way of letting go is by keeping your mind busy.

Objection. 

Being busy is just a temporal distraction. At the end of the day, you'll be laying on your bed, and staring at the ceiling, wondering what they're doing at the very moment. What would happen if they text you, what would happen if you guys are still dating, what would happen if you two didn't know each other. Isn't that the easiest part? Wondering, wondering, and wondering. Daydreaming makes us happy, to think that maybe still there're some possibilities of the things we wants. For me, letting go isn't about keeping our mind busy, isn't about being distracted to another things. 

It's about making peace with ourselves. 

Our minds.

Our soul.

Our memories. 

It's about realizing things have changed, and that's just a cycle called life. Another cycle will come, sooner or later, we'll be happy again. Nothing is eternal, happiness, sadness, clouds, rainbows.. They're all temporary, to reminds us about the uniqueness of life. We all know how hard it is to make a fresh start, to swallow the bitter pills of truths. But eventually, we'll have to do it, right? 

Letting go is all about ourselves. How we react, feel, and see towards things. It's never about them.

It's a part of knowing ourselves better.

Read More

forms of love

"Aku di rumah, mau telfon?"

"Lagi apa, Nak?"

"Bilang ya kalau udah sampai rumah."

"Makan di sini mau nggak? Atau kamu mau tempat lain?"

"Loh, kamu tidur?! Kirain kenapa-napa, katanya tadi takut ada orang di depan rumah!"

"Hati-hati kalau ngantuk. Kamu bawa mobil, lho."

"Kamu tuh kalau tidur kepalanya langsung jatuh gitu lho, pengen aku paku aja deh di bahuku."

"Aku beli kadomu via online, tau. Habis susah carinya di toko buku."

"Hey, kenapa?"

"Udah siap cerita? Eh, belom ya. Sorry."

"Ini bisnya kapan sampe sih? Keburu kamu muntah nih, kan aku yang repot."

"Aku anterin pulang, ya?"

"Yaudah, kamu siap-siap dulu aja. Aku muter-muter dulu baru nanti ke rumah."

"Kok belum tidur?" 

"Mau coba makananku?"

"Makan aja, Ibu nggak laper."

"Besok ulang tahunmu kita mau kemana?"

"Salam buat ibumu."

"Udah, pulang sana buruan. Rumahmu kan jauh."

"Yaudah, kalau pusing tuh tidur.. Sini sini."

"Ibumu masih inget aku nggak, ya?"

"Udah, enggak apa-apa. Jangan nangis, aku juga pernah kok di posisimu. Kamu bisa."

Read More

privilese

Bagi banyak orang, privilese adalah mengenai harta.

Fasilitas, akses, pelayanan; kata-kata yang kerap dikaitkan dengan privilese.

Bagi saya sendiri, privilese bukanlah sesuatu yang jarang didapatkan; tetapi mengenai bagaimana kita memaknai apa yang ada di sekeliling kita, apa yang kita miliki, dan bagaimana kita menikmatinya. 

Bukankah hidup itu sendiri adalah sebuah privilese? 

Menurut KBBI, salah satu arti kata mewah adalah serba indah; dan bukankah indah sendiri adalah kata yang teramat subjektif? Sulit memang, menilik titik mewah dari kehidupan yang biasa-biasa saja. Apa mungkin, kemewahan, atau privilese yang ada di hidup kita tidak menjadi sebuah kemewahan lagi karena kita terlalu terbiasa? Ah, basi. Menjadi terbiasa, sehingga tidak lagi menyadari kehadirannya. Semua hanyalah perkara perspektif. 

Buatku, privilese adalah sesuatu yang menyenangkan diri. Yang membuat jiwa serasa ada, serasa hidup; dan serasa dihargai. Contoh dariku, privilese adalah bisa bercengkrama dengan pikiranku sendiri. Menghabiskan sore hari di warung donat kesukaanku, dengan segelas es coklat dan lalu lalang riuhnya manusia di jalanan tengah kota.. sembari mengisi sudoku dan teka-teki di koran. Sebuah privilese pula ketika bisa menguras isi kantung air mata sembari menonton film drama Thailand di bioskop, ditemani dengan sebotol air mineral dan popcorn asin. Tidak ada yang bisa mengalahkan rasa nyaman ketika berkelana sendiri; sesungguhnya, itu cukup berbahaya. Bukan, bukan perkara wanita tidak aman jika pergi sendirian. Ini mengenai bagaimana kamu tidak akan bisa berhenti untuk menikmatinya ketika kamu sudah mencobanya. 

Tidak apa-apa. 

Berbeda merupakan suatu keharusan; apa uniknya hidup jika semua diciptakan sama?

Omong-omong,

sudahkah kamu bersyukur hari ini?

Read More

searching

Heey back at it again, tonight we're gonna discuss one hell of a movie; yep you guess it. I am not gonna open this post with some quotes from the movie because most dialogue of the movie is actually not 'said' but 'typed'. You know what I mean. And anyway I can't find any quotes from the movie yet because it's still new; but yeah let's just skip that part. 

s p o i l e r  a l e r t .

Searching (2018) opens with a desktop view of Windows XP, which will makes you wonder is this some kind of error or is it just the movie?? But indeed, it's the start of the movie. A happy family; David Kim (John Cho), Pamela Nam Kim (Sara Sohn), and their only daughter, Margot Kim, have a wonderful life as it shows from their folders of videos, photos, events; everything was showed up only on their computer's screen. In this movie, Margot was played by three different actresses as the timeline starts from she was a toddler until she became a teenager. Everything was great until comes the sad part; Pam passed away because of cancer. But it didn't affect any of David and Margot's relationship; they were doing great. Margot and her dad continues their seemingly fine relationship.. until one day, Margot went missing. 

What's great about this movie is that the suspense is real even though David was just clicking and scrolling around through his computer screen. John Cho nailed it as a loving and protective father who will do anything to search for his daughter. His instinct was unreal; it makes us wants to believe too that Margot is still alive out there. We'll search for every possible clue in the screen, as if we're helping him. The whole movie was shot only by the view of computer screen, phones, TVs, and CCTV. Nothing more than that. It's incredible how the director (Aneesh Chaganty) managed to shoot every scene perfectly without being over about it. Every scene makes us wants to just pause the movie and search precisely for every clue possible. 

Now you know what I mean. It's the entire movie in a screen! 

This movie also taught us that our digital prints are SO DAMN EASY to be traced by everyone. Like, you can't hide yourself once you're on the internet. And also this movie is great for parents because this shows just how much some parents don't really know their own kids. David always thought Margot was a nice and friendly kid in school, when in fact she was a shy and quiet one. The biggest emotional breakdown was when David found out that he knows nothing about Margot and her sadness for losing her mom, because David always thought time will heal everything. Searching opens up a lot about communication between parents and their kids, and the sad part is that everything is true; that being a parent is not just raising your kids right, but also knowing them thoroughly as a person. 

9/10.

Read More

what's love, anyway?

When you put your head on my shoulder,

and we looked into each other's eyes,

is that love?

When we laughed together about the good old times,

and we realize we've gone so far,

is that love? 

When you called me,
because I got sad of college,

is that love? 

Or is it love you name it,

when you post a picture with her,

and you got sad because of her,

and she treated you so badly,

that you wanted to give up.

Is that love? For you?

Are you decide to close your eyes forever,

for the love that's close.

For the love that's around;

for the love that's near.

For the love that's me.

Read More

lucky number 9

Hello, my favorite persons in college. 

It's been a year since we met, and you guys are one of my reasons to wake up and go to college every morning. Thank you, anyway. For everything. For the laughs, especially. We do still have a long journey to go, but I know every single one of us will survive and make it in the end. The past two days have been awesome, right? I never knew I could laugh that loud. It makes us feel good. The holiday did make us forget our college things, which stresses us out. It relieves us.

It's the little things about each one of you that shapes our friendship. So don't ever change, okay?

**

"Eh, iyapo? Sumpah?" Ashri, setiap ada yang cerita tentang apapun. Ditambahi dengan embel-embel, "Aku baru tau lhoh, sumpah."

"Aneh banget nggak sih (insert anything here)?" Ropik, setiap habis lihat/melakukan sesuatu. Paling sering habis miniquiz. Karena miniquiz memang aneh-aneh soal-nya. :')

"Hanya Uli yang bisa menanggapi kealayanku." Dyah, yang setiap pagi kerjaannya cubitin pipi sambil gemes. Kalau dipikir-pikir jijik juga, ya.

"Ayo beli molen dong, buat sarapan nih pagi-pagi. Ayolaaah." Asli, molen jualannya Hendra enak banget! Dan tidak ada danusan yang tidak terjual habis kalau Hendra yang menjajakan. Hahaha.

"Ayo dong guys, mumpung masih disini manfaatkan buat jalan-jalan!" Being the dad of the group, Hanin selalu memaksa kami-kami buat melakukan yang harus dilakukan. No sunrise in Dieng without you, Nin. :')

"Uliiiiik! Kamu nggak kangen aku po?" Cahyo, hampir setiap kali ketemu di kampus. Biasa, mental age-nya balita. :')

"Aku laper.." Kania, every 2 hours.

"Lay, tau nggak sih kalo si A tuh ternyata..." Imel, tiap habis dapet gosip dari anak-anak angkatan. "Aku cuman diem aja gitu kan, ngangguk-ngangguk doang dengerin haha!" Besok-besok tetep bagi-bagi ya, Mel.

"AKU PENERAWANG! ASHRI WEREWOLF!" I have to admit Cahyo's very good at playing Werewolf in real life. The real MVP of the day.

"Duh aku bingung.. Gimana sih ini.." I can imagine Kania's face saying this. Happens every time she got confused on making decisions or on college. :))))

"Semalem aku tidur jam 2." Imel, pas kuliah pagi, dengan mata ngantuk. "Nonton drakor, dong!"

"Lik, kamu baca nggak tweet yang tentang..." Ashri, tiap ada thread seru di Twitter; bahkan sampe yang aneh-aneh juga. :))

"Ih ngawur banget sumpah." Basically Dyah, every time.

"Ayo guys, mau makan kemana?" Kenny, setiap habis tutorial dan kita kebingungan mau kemana.

"Nih kunci rumahku, bawa aja." Needless to say, Hanin. Of course it's Hanin.

"Udah to gausah bahas-bahas lagi feedback OSCE!" Ketika keemosian Ropik memuncak. :')))

"Aseeek!" Hendra, ditambah dengan goyangannya yang yahud setiap denger lagu dangdut. Atau bahkan nggak ada lagu juga tetep joget. :)))

Here's to the first year of college. 

I am beyond grateful to have the 9 of you. 

Read More

20.20

Ever think how your life can literally be turned upside down? Friendship, relationship, college.. Everything. Just in a few years. Or months. Or days. Or even, hours. 

This post is dedicated to me, in my new age, 20. Today, only today, yes, today really shows me the very basic thing of life; alteration. And adjusting is a must to survive; no matter how bad you don't want everything to change. I missed my few closest friends, but today I found out that l need to be grateful more; you can always find someone to smile with. The point is not to be mourning for who's gone; but to be smiling for who's around. Today I learned about it, and I'm beyond happy to celebrate the moment. 

Anyway, big thanks to you, my best fella, who's willing to be with me the whole day for my birthday. You know who you are. 

Read More

fantastic mr. fox

"I know what it's like to be different."

"I am not different. Am I?"

"We all are ⎼especially him (Mr. Fox)⎼ but there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?"

***

s p o i l e r  a l e r t .

Let's talk about this movie. Just like every other Wes Anderson movies, this movie deserves so many attention. I mean, Wes Anderson! No one could ever please your eyes on a movie rather than him. He's a control freak when it comes to his movies, and yes, that's what makes him a great director. I only watched two of his movies, which are The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) and this, Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009), but I'm still looking forward to catch up on his other masterpieces. Maybe I'll write about The Grand Budapest Hotel later, but let's focus on this grand stop-motion animated movie first. 

Fantastic Mr. Fox was based on the famous Roald Dahl's book with the same title. You know, you cannot avoid the charm of Roald Dahl's characters; his Charlie and The Chocolate Factory was undoubtedly one of the most successful children's book and movie in the world, as if it has that weird connection to everyone who either watch the movie or read the book (because admit it, as you grow older you'll think Mr. Willy Wonka is actually a very weird and creepy person; but yeah, you still unavoidably likes him). Fantastic Mr. Fox has its own charms, and this movie really needs to be appreciated more. The color tone, the dialogues, the characters; they're all incredible! 

First, I am gonna talk about the color tone on Fantastic Mr. Fox. Just like every Wes Anderson's movie, Fantastic Mr. Fox has its own signature on color, which is slightly orange. 

https://bit.ly/2MxIIL0
Beautiful, right? I know, I know. Wes Anderson never disappoints us.

According to studiobinder.com, an orange tone in a movie was meant to display warmth, sociability, friendly, happiness, exotic, and youth. This brings us to our second talk, about the story of Fantastic Mr. Fox. Mr. Fox (George Clooney) was a happy fox, living with his beautiful wife (Meryl Streep) and son, Ash (Jason Schwartzman). He used to be a naughty fox; one who's stealing birds or chickens to eat. Yet he decided to quit his illegal occupation after Mrs. Fox got pregnant with Ash, and become a writer for local newspaper. But a fox is a fox. One day, he decided to go back stealing chickens and birds (and also apple cider) from farmers; only this time he doesn't know what are the consequences.

The color tone itself matches the story of Fantastic Mr. Fox. It successfully portrays happiness, warmth, friendly, and youth. Especially the warmness, because even though you want to hate Mr. Fox so much for what he had done, you can't. It's the warmness he shows; him, and his friends and families. Everyone supports Mr. Fox even when they lost their houses for what he did, everyone forgives, and everyone loves each other. 

I think that's the biggest picture of this movie. That we should have each other's back to survive; to be a decent living things. 

Who am I to score, but I'll give 4/5.

Read More

two sides of a coin

I promptly think it's beautiful when people allows us to see their other side. Whether it's a dark side or bright side; I still think it's worth. Because, opening up to someone isn't as easy as it seems. Some people are like an open book; they let people see everything that goes through their mind, their life, and their problems. Some not; they hide their tears tight inside their heart, and put up a smiling face to show to the world.

Both are fine. People have their own way to live their life. 

But for some, showing others their true colors is a very big thing to achieve. 

And the biggest worry is,

"What if they leave?"

Isn't that the most fundamental question, after all?

You can ask yourself that question every time you start to know someone. Truth is, we never want anyone to leave. We'll do everything to make them stay; including turning our-self into a better version for them. Some time ago, I stumbled upon this statement on Twitter,

"Do you ever realized that you have many different version of yourself? The 'you' your mom knew may be different than the 'you' your friends knew. And that goes on for every single person you ever know in your life. So, for instance; how do you know which 'you' is the real you?"

Probably, we don't have to worry about showing others our other side.

Because,

do we even know which side is the other?

Read More

operator

"I would like to go back to being your wife, not your science experiment."

"But I enjoy listening to you."

"I don't think you've been hearing me at all."

***

s p o i l e r  a l e r t . 

Operator (2016) is a science-comedy (is that even a genre?) movie. The movie opens with a loving young couple, happily married to each other. It's Joe Larsen (Martin Starr) and Emily Klein (Mae Withman). The two has a job on their own, Joe as a programmer and Emily as a call operator in a hotel. Joe and his team is struggling on making a new program called Alexis; which is an operating system who can assist you with whatever you needs, like healthcare, insurance, emergency, etc. Alexis keeps on being denied by their clients because she sounds careless, impolite, harsh, and has no empathy. 

While Joe is desperate of his clients' needs, he called Emily; he basically needs Emily for every time he feels desperate because he has a severe panic attack disorder which can be triggered whenever he's stressed out. They have that secret code; Room 1313, to let Emily know it's Joe who's calling her. At the moment Emily's voice soothes him, Joe immediately knows who's going to voice for Alexis. And that's when the movie begins.

This movie kinda reminds me of Her (2013) and Ex Machina (2014), where one's falling in love with someone's voice or body, but they do realize it wasn't right. It can't be done. Joe falls in love with Emily's voice, while actually he has the real Emily besides him, whom he ignores. He prefers to listen to Emily as an operating system rather than listening to his own  wife. It's ironic, because he'd rather call the operating system 400 times than call his own wife and fix their fragile marriage. And that's what I love about this movie. It shows how fragile our feeling is as a human being. We practically falls in love with someone who's imaginary; fits to our perspective as a perfect criteria. Emily as an operating system do whatever Joe wants her to do; she'll comfort him, soothes him, and being there 24/7, while the real Emily can't do that. The real Emily needs to go to work, having some drama performance, and sleep.

Operator is funny, sweet, and honest. I'll give it 3/5.

Read More

hari untuk amanda

"Aku selalu tau, Man, kamu kayak gimana. Aku yang paling ngerti kamu, selalu ada disisi kamu. Aku."

-

Hari. Amanda.

Cinta sejak SMA, 

pasangan idaman. 

8 tahun mereka menjalin cerita.

Hingga akhirnya, Amanda akan menikah,

dengan Dodi.

-

Hari tidak pernah memaksa Amanda. Amanda pun tidak bisa dipaksa oleh siapapun. Amanda memilih. Hari, 8 tahun penuh mengisi hari-harinya. Hari, yang selalu tahu apa lagu kesukaan Amanda. Hari, yang menyodorkan segelas kopi kesukaan Amanda. Hari, yang selalu menganggap kartu ucapan ulangtahun buatan Amanda adalah yang terbaik di dunia. Hari, yang rela mengantar Amanda keliling Jakarta untuk menyebarkan undangan pernikahannya. Hari, yang menangis diam-diam saat menggantikan Dodi mencoba baju pengantin karena Dodi sedang rapat. Hari, yang selalu ingat tanggal saat mereka bertemu. Hari, yang tidak bisa melihat Amanda menangis. Hari, yang tidak pernah menyerah akan Amanda.

Hari,

yang selalu menganggap Amanda adalah hidupnya. 

-

Amanda tidak pernah memaksa Hari untuk mencintainya. Meskipun mereka memang saling mencintai. Tapi, itu tidak cukup. Bagi Amanda, semua cinta Hari tidak cukup. Semua kerelaan Hari tidak cukup. Amanda lelah. Lelah mempertanyakan kejelasan. Lelah digantungkan oleh Hari. Amanda memilih pergi. Amanda yang mencintai Hari, dengan segala kebimbangan, akhirnya pergi. 8 tahun suka duka dengan Hari, dia tukar dengan 1 tahun kejelasan dari pria lain. Dodi. 

Amanda,

yang selalu menganggap Hari adalah satu-satunya pria yang ingin dinikahinya.

Read More

tentang manusia

Hidup menjadi semakin menarik dengan bertambahnya angka. Tidak melulu soal hitam dan putih; ada abu-abu dalam segala hal. Meskipun pernyataan tersebut sangat berkebalikan dengan ucapan seorang temanku,

"Menurutmu dia jelek atau cantik?"

"Biasa aja."

"Alah! Jujur aja deh, hidup itu cuman hitam dan putih. There's nothing in between."

Aku hanya bisa tersenyum saat itu. No, menurutku hidup tidak sesederhana itu. Temanku itu, dia sangat keras kepala. Mungkin batu bisa pecah jika dihantamkan ke craniumnya.

Abu-abu.

Ada abu-abu dalam segala hal. Tidak ada manusia yang sepenuhnya benci kepada manusia lainnya; pun juga tidak ada manusia yang sepenuhnya mencintai manusia lainnya. Anugerah seorang manusia, diantaranya adalah memiliki perasaan, yang tidak semudah sekadar benci ataupun cinta. 

Mungkin sulit untuk bisa menata perasaan, menata pikiran; tapi itulah yang manusia lakukan dalam proses pendewasaan. Menjadi seseorang yang utuh, mengerti akan hakikatnya. Mengerti, apa yang akan dia lakukan di Bumi ini. Dan bagi beberapa orang, butuh seumur hidup untuk akhirnya tahu, dan bersyukur. 

Menjadi manusia sulit, ya?

Read More

grief

"I'll pick you up."
"Aww, you sure? What time?"
"Nine."
"WHAT--"
"Nine."
"Well--"
"I said nine."
"Nine thirty?"
"Nine thirty. I demand you to be on time."
"Will do!"

A glimpse of conversation with me and one of my best-friend. We left that day for an art exhibition, we had fun, we had so much talks, the point is, we are doing what best-friends do. Having fun.

"Did you heard the news?"
"What?"
"The bombing."
"I know, but I haven't read the news just yet."
"You should." my sister said to me.

He's Christian. And I am Moslem. It never-- never ever be a problem for us. As best-friends, we complete each other sentences. Him and I, we share the same thoughts. We love what we are, but indeed different opinions are often present. As I cried and scrolled through the news, I can only imagine,

What if that happen to anyone whom I loved?

Even more terrifying is that because one whole family did that. A parents and 4 children. How?

https://bit.ly/2LcZvQ9
Channel News Asia

https://bit.ly/2IOhVbo
The Guardian

----

What's your religion?
Islam, Christian, Catholic, Buddha, Hindu,
you can pick one.

You are free to pick one.

Go ahead!

You done? Alright.

Uh oh, no. You pick the wrong card.
You pick Christian!
How dare you pick Christian?

This is unacceptable! I now must go and defeat you.
No matter how kind you are to me,
no matter how many lives you've saved,
no matter that you have a family too,
like I do.

You are still my enemy.
You ask me why?
Because you pick Christian!

for Surabaya, 13.05.18.
we will forever remember this grief, this scar on our history as a nation.
we will not forget. 

Read More

two broken-hearts

"Try," I gave him my drink.

He slurped.

"It's good," He agreed with a nod.

"I think it's too sweet. And the jelly tastes like a cough drug," I raised my eyebrow a bit.

He shrugged, "Maybe. I'll go get the food," He stood up, and paused.

"I still keep her photos," with a rough touch he took out two polaroids out of his wallet and slightly threw them to me, then left. 

I laughed.  There, I saw 2 happy faces smiling widely at the camera. 

"When was this?" I asked him when he came back.

"Don't really 'member. Months ago, I guess?" 

I put back those photos into his wallet. "Keep it, okay?"

He laughed, "Okay!" 

"We both knew why she left, right?"

He sighed, "I am an insensitive person and she hates it."

I chewed my chicken.

"Why can't people just say what they want and what they don't want?!" he exclaimed.

"I know, right. That's what exactly on my mind at this very moment," I starred longingly.

I starred back at him. "Do you miss her?"

"I do. Sometimes. Do you miss him?"

"I do. Many times."

.

That conversation was based (or inspired?) by some chit-chats with one of my best-friend.

.

I actually hate to write about love. It's cheesy.

You know, there's this little tingly feeling inside your stomach when you talk about love. Those butterflies. Maybe it's your oxytocine level that raises dramatically when you talk about love. You know, oxytocine, the hormone of love. It's actually so interesting to talk about oxytocine. Maybe I'll write about it later. 

It's funny that humans are inhibiting every inch of this Earth and still wanting to reproduce over and over again. Our nature instinct is being greedy. Ever since we born, we already had a name of our soulmate written on our fate. Another instinct is to find them, like it or not. We fell in love, many times, and we realize, he/she wasn't the one. Then we left, to find another nest to live in.

Broken heart isn't something bad. Trust me, it's nature's way, or God's way, to tell you, No, it's the wrong pair! 

To be sad, it's normal. Absolutely. 100%. And it sucks, breaking up. But the world keeps spinning and life must go on. I am lucky. I have many friends to support my back whenever I stumble, but you must be able to walk again on yourself, and that may be the hardest part.

The harder the journey, the worth it will be in the end. The more you struggle to keep your future bright, out there, your soul mate is also working their ass off to set their class higher; for you, for their family, for them-self. That's the cycle.  

All I want to underline is that,

you cannot blame them for not understanding the way you behave,

you cannot blame yourself for not changing yourself they way they wanted you to be,

you cannot blame the universe for meeting you two.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you meet someone then you just kinda hear that click! sound on your head, but sometimes you knew a person for years and still don't want to get any closer to them, or sometimes you meet someone and you suddenly knew that person is going to be your best-friend. 

.

"...he's a good guy," He nodded.

I shrugged heavily.

"The universe hates you."

I laughed. 

"I once tell my mom about her, and there's one thing I clearly remember from that conversation,"

"What?"

"She told me to find a tall girl."

"What!" I chuckled.

"...and she's short. I guess that's just universe's way to say she's not the one," he shrugged with a big grin on his face.

"That's weird."

"I know, right!"

Read More

easy to say easy

Maybe you say it's easy because you've passed through it, it's a very common thing.

"Today I'm having a test," your 12 years old nephew said.

"What test?"

"It's midterm."

"Ck. You don't even have to study for that."

But for them, it's not. It's not easy for them. For them, that test means the whole world. And you just made them down, even for a bit. Makes them questions their abilities.

Can I be better than my siblings? 

I am afraid I can't make my parents proud.

I don't think it's easy.

Why is it easy for her, and not for me?

Am I stupid?

I am so nervous.

I once did that too. Or even more than once. But I do remember one, because my dad slapped back my words. No, not that kind of slap, he said it jokingly.

"Besok si X ujian ya?" my mom said. 

"Oh iya? Ujian apa?"

"Ujian nasional SD kayanya." she answered.

"Alah, ujian nasional doang. Gampang banget deh, kayanya."

my dad laughed.

He said, "Kamu bilang gampang karena kamu udah lewat. Coba waktu dulu, kamu juga deg - degan kaya gitu, panik - panik ga jelas. Ya kan?"

and it slapped me in the face. I mean, how many times did I let my mouth said the things it shouldn't have said? How many times did I let people down? Thousands, millions, billions?

I said to someone,

"I failed my test."

"Why? God, you have everything you need! How could you live in such privilege and still not having a good grade?"

And it hurts me. It does. I don't want to hold grudge, but I think I was born with it. Simply forgetting what people said to me is not my style. I remember. I remember all the things you did to me, and fortunately it concludes the good things too. So it's either a blessing or a curse. 

I don't want people to experience that kind of conversation. It sucks. But sometimes people do need a slap in their ass to wake them up, to make them realize this life isn't some kind of wonderland. But hey, you don't have to drag people down to your hell to make them realize that. 

I knoooooow I know it's sooooooo satisfying to show that you've passed so many obstacles other than him/her but hey who the hell cares? People has their own obstacles and some obstacles are down there not up here, so you cannot see them because you always put your heads up and not knowing anything but yourself. 

One's problem is different from other. It's always do. No matter how alike they are, even twins, they're different. 

Don't ever think you're stronger than others so you can judge them as a weak, fragile, nonsense person when they tell you how hard their life is. 

You may be their last option, and you cannot throw that opportunity away. 

https://bit.ly/2Kw7HdZ

Read More

don't you?

Sometimes I think about myself as nothing but useless specks of star dusts on this weird reality of universe.

I may be thousand years old. Right? The molecules, the atoms, all cells that shaped me, they may be billions years old.

To think about our whole life is sometimes scary. Scary to think maybe there's another planet where you become a president, or Taylor Swift's best friend, or David Beckham's children? Scary to think that maybe there's another life. Another life exists, beside us. Beside all the life that we know. They may breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen. Maybe they walks on sky instead of on ground! Or even, maybe they didn't walk; they swim. Or maybe there's another element besides those 4? The possibilities goes infinite.

I got this mind-blown situation every-freaking-time I watch One Strange Rock. Isn't it incredibly unusual to think about our planet as a one strange rock? It makes sense completely. Yes, our Earth is just one strange rock. One. Strange. Rock. Can you read that slowly, deeply, with Neil DeGrasse Tyson's voice in your head? (Yeah, I know Will Smith is the host but I think Neil's voice suits better inside our mind). Life maybe just happen in our planet. Which is means we're all alone in this universe, and it's not less scary than the thought that we're not alone in this universe. 

It's impossible to not question about our existence. 

don't you feel the same too?

Read More

Goodall

This one post is dedicated to my superhero, on this Earth Day, Jane Morris Goodall.
-----

I know. It's kinda late to have a blog these days, where everybody has their own blogs and of course there are blog-celebs, and out there people just having like, thousand views already. 

For me, this is such a big step ahead to have a blog. Yes, it really is.

-----

Jane Goodall. Born in London, 3rd April 1934. Yes, she is 84 years old to be exact. 84 years old. God, what would I've done when I reach 84? 

Everyone should be knowing her. She should be known. She's the queen of the chimpanzees, or apparently, she's the queen of the jungle. 
I am extremely captivated by her passion of chimpanzees. Her passion of making something right. Goodall had no clue about chimpanzees, jungles, trees, or whatever inside a rain forest. She was a secretary! But eventually, her dream came true. Dr. Leakey, her boss, sent her to Africa to see how chimpanzees behave in their natural environment. Without a doubt, Jane went there, and done her job passionately. She climbs every hills, just to see chimpanzees. She lives with them. 

Have you ever met someone with that much courage, that much passion, for something that is not about money after all? I haven't. 
She lived with them for years, she wrote, and wrote, and wrote, about how they behave. Jane even gave them names! 

Jane with her favorite, David Greybeard
https://bit.ly/2Hn7SpF

Still, there are obstacles. Once, people said Jane was wrong, and unprofessional. She should be counting and measuring them, instead of knowing their behavior and gave them names. Jane is Jane. In the world where people are dismissing her, she still fights for what's right for her. And eventually, now comes the sweetness. Jane made it. She opens our eyes. She shows us acts, not just words. She fights, she struggles, she wins. For me, Jane is more than just an activist. She, indeed, is a superhero.

https://bit.ly/2qT1UWy

Read More