heeell-o!

 So. It's been quite a while since I wrote. So much things happened in the last couple months.. or years? I can't even keep up. The pandemic, the stress, the anxiety.. Everything's just too much for a person to bear. And I cannot be thankful enough to be alive at this very moment despite the stress and stuff. 

Today I did an exam. It was a rough one, and honestly I don't even know am I going to pass through or not. I am stressed. My anxiety is killing me, and I hate myself for having that. I hate myself for letting my bad thoughts interrupt every good aspect in my life. It ruins my mood for the whole day, and I feel bad for being such a pain in the ass to my boyfriend. I think he did well in his exams, and this thought is allowing me to act bad to him for doing great while I wasn't?! I mean, what kind of girlfriend I am. Not being supportive and all to him, while all he did was reassuring me that everything's gonna be okay and he'll be here no matter what. I hate that I am such an ambitious and envious woman. 

Still working on it, tho. My boyf is not my therapist, so I went to one. Not easy finding the roots. Can you see? I have a perfect family, perfect friends, perfect boyfriend, perfect grades.. seemingly. If you ask me I'd still say I don't know. I don't fucking know. That's why I went to therapist. Hoping he'll know what to do with my spoiled ass. 

My sister called me that. Not that straight-forward tho. But I know what she meant that time. That fight was my turning point, flip a switch moment. I'll definitely remember that for my whole life. I think it caused a trauma in my life. That other fight, too. The way Dad yelled at me, was about to hit me. I literally can't look at him the same anymore. Too many fights and yells afterwards. Maybe I should skip this part. Don't need anymore negativity tonight.

So, yeah. I guess we'll see if I can make it past everything. 

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eleven, it is!

Many times I just can't believe this privilege of having so many kind friends. Few months back had been a very enjoyable experience with these people, who really opened my eyes to see that this world is maybe not that cruel, unfair, or whatever it is you call it. 

It is kind. Well, of course life gets hard sometimes, but you can go through anything with some good friends. 

And when you've done the hardest thing you've ever met, you'll realize you never done it alone. There's always some good friends behind your back, or beside your shoulder, to push you and hug you with their own ways⎯ 

making the obstacles seems bearable, just so you can finally say, "I did it!".

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hey

hey, you.

you never cease to amaze me.

with your view on everything, your way of thinking, just you.
whatever shapes you.

the way you say "I care about you" is what makes me stunned most.
probably you're the most caring person I've ever met in my life.

you remembers!
everything.
everything that I've said to you.

where does my sisters goes to work,
what my mom usually do at home,
when's my dad left for work,
who's my friend who came for a sleepover,
my sleeping habits,
my rants about boys,
my dreams,
and the list goes on.

hey you,
aren't you the coolest?

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wayne

Do you know why I love Batman so much?

(well, nope. you don't even know that I love Batman)

(still gonna tell you anyway)

The fact that his parents died after being shot by a poor, homeless guy who don't even know how to hold a gun properly,

and yet he still wants to be a hero who helps those kind of persons instead of being a villain and try to shoot them all for killing his parents. 

He forgives.

***

I don't know a thing about forgiving. For me, it's never been easy. What is forgiving, after all? Is forgiving and forgetting basically the same? Or, is it possible that you forgive but never forget? How do you cope with the pain that comes with the memory, when you say you 'forgive but never forget'?

Well.. perhaps Bruce himself don't know a thing about forgiving,

"You're stronger than your father."
"You didn't know my father."

"But I know the rage that drives you. That impossible anger strangling the grief, until the memory of your loved one is just.. poison in your veins. And one day, you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed so you'd be spared in your pain."

..maybe he just learns to use his pain as his weapon.

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spot the light

Being 20 means everything to me. It alters me.
We all have the moment that hit us hard, and for me, it's when I turn 20.

I am just happy that we all survive. We may stumble, but we didn't collapse.
Maybe it's because we remember to turn the light.
Maybe it's because we all believe.
Maybe it's because the laughs and the tears.
Maybe,

just maybe,

it's because love strengthen us.

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shut

I try to reflect as much as I can.

To my parents, my sisters, my brothers, my friends, and myself.

To see, how would this or that affect them, affect me. 

Yesterday, I drove mindlessly, anywhere the steering wheel took me.

In fact, I do that many times, countless times. 

I love the thought of being alone. 

Being able to be alone with my thoughts; it's addictive.

Once you get to know your mind, you'll never want to walk out of it.

It's you, and the universe you created.

It's you, and your thought only.

It's just super tiring to socialize and turns out it didn't work. 

All the time, all the energy, all the feelings I've involved𑁋

means nothing to them. 

That's why I reflect many times.

To convince myself, that maybe we all live on our own.

Maybe it's a fault to hang your happiness to others.

Maybe it's not them, 

it's me. 

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define everything

A human mind is an endless tunnel of everything.

I love rain. 

While others, don't. They just simply don't like it, while I, simply, like it.

For me, superheroes movies are just fun to watch. The good vs the bad. Nothing more.

As for my friends, they're crazy about it. The fan theories, the comics; there's always more to it. 

The older I am, the more I realize there's always some frictions on every part of our social life. In fact, there are so many frictions. I am quite losing my grounds on the term of friendship right now. 

I don't really know, who's my closest friends?

Do you like me for just being a partner on some events or do you like me for being me?

Do you hangs out with me because you wanted to see me or just simply you want to watch the movie?

Are we even friends?

I always thought a friend is the one who you can call anytime anywhere simply because you were bored at the airport because your flight was being delayed; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who calls you right away the minute you tell them you need some ears; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who you can ask right away for a movie time whenever you were free; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who always know whether you're okay or not; even if  you're not telling them; and vice versa.

I always thought a friend is the one who can tells you everything about their problems, or simply their days; no matter how small it is. And vice versa.

But then I realize, 

there's nothing vice versa between us.

p.s: a.p𑁋this isn't for you; you're the best.

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city of stars

City of stars

Are you shining just for me?

City of stars

There's so much that I can't see

Who knows?

Is this the start of something wonderful and new?

Or one more dream that I cannot make true?

***

Hey, sister. 

You always say you like this song.

I used to say nothing to your statement, but now I wonder if this song maybe means something to you.

About your dreams, your loved one, and your life.

Or maybe it's just me, ha.

You're not such a philosophic person, after all.

I just need to state that,

you'll always be my big sister.

Forever.

No matter what happens.

At any cost.

You'll always be one of my role models (top 5 indeed),

the one I share my thoughts with,

the one I share my words with.

But sometimes, you need to look around you and realize one thing.

You are never alone on any step you're taking in your life.

You can cry, you can tell anyone you trust about your problems.

Hey, 

it's okay not to be okay.

It's okay to cry sometimes;

it's not the sign of weakness,

but it's one prove that we're all human.

  xx,           

your little sister.

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the way we handle our-self

I assumed I am sitting beside a lawyer. 

Yes, I am at my favorite doughnut shop in town.

He's so well-dressed, and he is typing some-things with some law and such. And yes, he's mannered.

"Maaf Mas, stop-kontaknya masih ada yang kosong?"

"Masih. Biar saya bantu, Mbak."

This is one of many things that I like when I sit alone here. 

I saw two high-schoolers so stressed out studying their brains out for the exam. And they also talking about their teacher.

"Wali kelasmu baik banget, sih?"

"Lah emang kalo kamu gimana?"

"Ya gitu, beda pokoknya!"

Hahaha. I remember those times. When I was just fooling around at school, not knowing what to do other than that. 

I also saw a woman secretly taking photos of her doughnut and her orange juice. Maybe for her Instagram stories. Hahaha. 

Paying attention to people helps me understand how this world works.

Everyone is busy minding their own business, trying to reach their goals, trying to be the best version of themselves. But do we even know what is the best version of our-self?

Lately, I've been in such a state of restless. I got mixed feelings about many things; myself, college, friendship, love. And the biggest question is,

Why am I feeling so less than enough?

Am I able to solve my own problem?

Do I need a person to lean on? To talk about my weird thought? My restless thought? Why would I need one?

Am I not being capable of handling myself?

That is the scariest question of all. 

Ngurusin diri sendiri aja engga bisa, apalagi ngurusin orang lain. 

That's what they say. 

Jadi, sudah berapa jauh kamu bisa mengatasi gejolak emosimu?

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the art of letting go

Life is a lot much easier when you realize the ones who stay will stay, and the ones who leave will leave;  no matter how hard you holding them back. 

Why do we being so hard on ourselves over someone who takes us for granted? Is it worth the pain, worth the tears, worth the time? I know how hard it is to despise our thoughts from them. To not to think about them, even for a glance. 

People said the best way of letting go is by keeping your mind busy.

Objection. 

Being busy is just a temporal distraction. At the end of the day, you'll be laying on your bed, and staring at the ceiling, wondering what they're doing at the very moment. What would happen if they text you, what would happen if you guys are still dating, what would happen if you two didn't know each other. Isn't that the easiest part? Wondering, wondering, and wondering. Daydreaming makes us happy, to think that maybe still there're some possibilities of the things we wants. For me, letting go isn't about keeping our mind busy, isn't about being distracted to another things. 

It's about making peace with ourselves. 

Our minds.

Our soul.

Our memories. 

It's about realizing things have changed, and that's just a cycle called life. Another cycle will come, sooner or later, we'll be happy again. Nothing is eternal, happiness, sadness, clouds, rainbows.. They're all temporary, to reminds us about the uniqueness of life. We all know how hard it is to make a fresh start, to swallow the bitter pills of truths. But eventually, we'll have to do it, right? 

Letting go is all about ourselves. How we react, feel, and see towards things. It's never about them.

It's a part of knowing ourselves better.

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forms of love

"Aku di rumah, mau telfon?"

"Lagi apa, Nak?"

"Bilang ya kalau udah sampai rumah."

"Makan di sini mau nggak? Atau kamu mau tempat lain?"

"Loh, kamu tidur?! Kirain kenapa-napa, katanya tadi takut ada orang di depan rumah!"

"Hati-hati kalau ngantuk. Kamu bawa mobil, lho."

"Kamu tuh kalau tidur kepalanya langsung jatuh gitu lho, pengen aku paku aja deh di bahuku."

"Aku beli kadomu via online, tau. Habis susah carinya di toko buku."

"Hey, kenapa?"

"Udah siap cerita? Eh, belom ya. Sorry."

"Ini bisnya kapan sampe sih? Keburu kamu muntah nih, kan aku yang repot."

"Aku anterin pulang, ya?"

"Yaudah, kamu siap-siap dulu aja. Aku muter-muter dulu baru nanti ke rumah."

"Kok belum tidur?" 

"Mau coba makananku?"

"Makan aja, Ibu nggak laper."

"Besok ulang tahunmu kita mau kemana?"

"Salam buat ibumu."

"Udah, pulang sana buruan. Rumahmu kan jauh."

"Yaudah, kalau pusing tuh tidur.. Sini sini."

"Ibumu masih inget aku nggak, ya?"

"Udah, enggak apa-apa. Jangan nangis, aku juga pernah kok di posisimu. Kamu bisa."

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